Ever wondered how some parents just seem to be the best of friends despite the nastiest of divorce cases.  Some parents just seem to have the matters of their kids so well pulled together that it seems the kids are doing better after the divorce than before the divorce even occurred. 

Always remember it does not matter how badly you hate your ex, or how badly you personally wish they would disappear, they are still the parent of your child, just as you are.  It is always important to remember this so that the best interest of the children are actually looked out for.  Do not try to hide behind the excuse that what you want is what is best for the children.  If your goal is to rip the children away from their other parent no matter what that is never in the best interest of the children. 

Remember while debating the issues of custody, primary parent, and visitation that the other parent is just as used to being a normal daily part of the children’s lives.  Remember that while you have to adjust to the children being gone so do they.  Remember that while you are adjusting to the children not always being home with you, the kids have to deal with you and your spouse being separated and on bad terms. 

Let us start at the beginning and consider that many states are now discarding the tender year’s doctrines and have determined that men are just as capable of being the primary parent as women.  Keep this in mind if you stroll into court as the woman determined that you will win custody because you are the mother, or the man going in determined that you will lose because you are the father. 

Times and perceptions about custody are changing rapidly.  This means that people must consider their children’s wishes instead of just their own wants and desires.  In today’s society, more and more judges are considering the needs of the children and the major preference now is towards a joint custody arrangement if at all possible. 

Obviously, it is rather difficult for parents who live hours away to share joint custody on a 50/50 split; however, those who are in the same neighborhood or within 20 minutes or so of each other are able to easily rearrange their lifestyles so they can both be readily available to the children.  The best situation for children who are old enough to walk home by themselves and/or drive is to allow them to freely float between the parents for a while until they become settled in. 

This is not the best of ideas however with children who are much smaller, and are unable to decide whether Dora the Explorer or Spongebob is their best friend of the day.  For children that age group, it is always best to place them on a schedule.  Let them know exactly when they will be with each parent.  Try to work out specific activities that the children can participate in that will allow them to still be able to interact with other kids around their age. 

It is always best to let the children take stuff from one house to another instead of making them leave their favorite possessions behind at one house or another.  Allow them to have their own space at each house, so that they can establish their own area and style there. 

It is also necessary to determine some specific guidelines so that the children know what they are encountering at each household.  For example, all homework must be reviewed by a parent.  It is also a good idea to determine what clothing is acceptable, what time bedtime is standard and other such issues.  Things like cleaning your plate and how long the child can watch TV are relatively minor and can vary from household to household. 

Please think long and hard before deciding exactly what custody arrangement you want for your children.  Remember that you are playing with fragile little lives that should be sheltered and protected.  Always encourage your children to still love the other parent.  Do not be guilty of encouraging your children to disrespect the other parent, or else it could potentially backfire on you causing yourself further stress.